Personal Truth #6 I want to go full Britney. Yup, I am THAT crazy.

My husband had a dream last night that all of his hair fell out. He worries about losing his hair a lot, as do most men I think. The fact is, he has a nice head full of hair, but his hairline is ever so slowly creeping back. I mean…EVER. SO. SLOWLY. But I get his anxiety. We express ourselves through our hair, our youthfulness or lack of it, and what sub culture we belong to. He is a professional musician so his image is a critical part of his work, and his hair is a critical part of his image. One thing that I really envy about him is that he can do whatever the hell he wants with his hair – grow it long, get a hyper stylized cut, dye it crazy colours. He has no limitations. Unless it all falls out. That would be limiting. So I guess his dream was really more of a nightmare. His hair represents so much more than just his hair.

Anyways, this blog is about me and I also have a preoccupation/obsession with my hair. Every month like clockwork, for the last 22 years or maybe longer, I have coloured my hair back to its original very dark brown, almost black. The white hairs started coming in my mid teens… and never stopped coming. I don’t know what my real hair looks like. If my roots are any indication, it is all pure snowy white. When my roots come in, I look like a skunk.  Obviously (or I guess since you don’t know my personal financial situation it might not be obvious) I can’t afford professional upkeep so I am a DIY hair colourist.

A few years ago I developed an allergy or sensitivity to PPD the main ingredient in permanent hair dye. Like my entire scalp got scabby and my hair started falling out in clumps. Then a hairdresser/colourist told me she had to quit her job because she was peeing blood and that hair dye causes bladder cancer. So I researched alternatives and switched to henna colour.

If you are like me, and your hair is white but you present as a brunette, this is shitty solution. First of all, it literally takes about 5 hours from start to finish. So kiss a whole day goodbye every 2-3 weeks. Second of all it smells like sewage. Third of all, it fades fast to a very unnatural looking colour in a gradient, so you need to use it OFTEN. On the plus side, zero chemicals. Hair gets healthy fast. I only stuck with it for a year.

Finally I found a decent product, sort of natural, no ammonia, no PPD, none of the harsh stuff. I can only find it in one store in the entire province, half the time it is out of stock, it is expensive and I need to use it every three weeks (and that is stretching it by using mascara on my roots for a few days). I have to call and order it and really plan ahead or I am SCREWED.

I feel like a slave. I am a slave to my hair, and to my image. Because I don’t want to look old. Because I don’t want to look like a skunk. I just don’t know how to be free.  I don’t even know what hair I actually have! But know that right now I don’t have the hair I want – The same way I can’t wear ripped jeans and flip-flops to work, I can’t show up with purple hair (most of those vivid gemstone colours are vegetable based!!), or even better NO HAIR AT ALL. I totally get it. Why Britney shaved her head. To have freedom from her image.

I can’t shave my head, but I want to. I want a fresh start. I want to see what is really under there. Maybe it is really nice and I won’t look old after all. When I was in high school this guy’s mother was famous for her gorgeous head of white hair that she wore swirled up into a messy bun. She had a young face. Everyone thought she was so hot. I want to be the cool white haired Mom. Or pink haired Mom. Instead I just keep dyeing it. Wearing it in an ok but not great style. Growing it longish and parting it in the middle because someone told me that is supposed to make you look younger. Contemplating bangs because I think dramatic bangs look cool and edgy but still conservative enough. Wondering if it is too late and I already have bladder cancer but that the silver lining is that the chemo will make my hair fall out and I will be forced to start fresh without being perceived as crazy – if I don’t die. Very fucked up shit right here. OVER HAIR. Talk about first world problems.

And just now as I type this I am having a sad kind of revelation.

Our 9 year old son has extraordinarily long and really beautiful hair – by anyone’s standards. He hasn’t cut his hair in about 3 years. The reason he stopped getting his hair cut is because the result never quite matched what he hoped for.  At 6 years old he decided would rather never cut it all and deal with people constantly misgendering him, than be disappointed with his image. He is a person who avoids negative feelings at all costs. Not liking the way he looked profoundly affected him. I always wondered why he cared so much about his hair at such a young age…and now….

DUH. Fuck. Shitty, shitty, shit.

If I was queen of the world I would smash EVERY. SINGLE. MIRROR.