Monthly Archives: February 2019

Falling

Last night while I was leaving my book club meeting I fell.

It was a great meeting. It was Valentine’s Day and there was chocolate. Chuck and I went out for dinner together the night before, and this year for the first time there is this quiet security and connection between us that simply shrugs it’s shoulders at Valentine’s Day. We have nothing to prove. It is as comforting a feeling as I have ever felt.

At the meeting we ate delicious food. The afore mentioned chocolate, heavenly blueberry scones fresh out of the oven, cheese and crispy crinkle chips. I had my regular one glass of red right on arrival – so that a few hours later when it was time to drive home I wouldn’t even feel the slightest warm tingle anymore. We hotly debated Patrick deWitt’s, Sisters Brothers. I personally loved it and was very surprised to learn that others did not. Especially two woman in particular who generally feel exactly the same way I do about books. It was paradoxically disorienting and grounding.  I confidently dug in on my assessment and in the back of my mind observed that this was growth.  I knew my mind, I spoke it loud and clear and I didn’t doubt myself for a second.

The last couple of years I have been very focused on getting to know myself, and even more specifically, on learning to love myself. Growing up you often hear tell of this magical time in your life when you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Ladies and gentleman… it is not a myth. It is middle f*cking age, and I have arrived in this wonderful place. I think I am maybe still standing in the foyer with my coat and boots on, but I am here and the party and I know it is going to be a good one.  I feel strong.

Or at least I did until I fell. Just like that.

There were three stairs ahead of my and on the first step my foot slid on some ice and down I went. Hard. I hit my ass, my elbow, and worst of all my head cracked down hard on the top step. I stayed still, splayed out on the cold cement stairs. It was so shocking! So much for feeling grounded. What was that worth now?

I scanned my body. Didn’t black out, didn’t feel broken bones. Sat up slowly. My hosts asked if I needed an ambulance. I thought about it. No. I didn’t. I went back in the house and had a glass of water and checked my elbow. I was suddenly concerned about bleeding on my cashmere sweater (an extravagant purchase!) – no blood. Sweater in tact. Bruise emerging. Felt my head. No blood. Carefully considered my feelings. Was I dizzy? No. Disoriented? Yes. But I think only because I fell. I waited a few more minutes in case I was going to black out or have a seizure or get blurred vision. Nothing bad happened. I was escorted to my car, I backed out and started on my way home.

I immediately called Chuck.  No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought about becoming hysterical and instead called my eldest son and asked him to find his Dad and have him call. Seconds later he did.  I instantly felt like crying, but didn’t. I told him I fell. I made him do several google searches about head injuries. I didn’t tell him I was deeply paranoid about hitting my head because that is how Liam Neeson’s wife Natasha Richardson died (when she was my age!!!).  He quizzed me through a couple of symptom checkers and I felt better about my head. But my elbow throbbed on. I thought about stopping at the ER for an x-ray, but decided against it. I got home and stripped down and examined my body in the mirror. Bruises. Angry bruises on my butt and elbow. I crawled into bed. Everything hurt.

Chuck rolled towards me. I asked him if he remembered being a kid and falling. I don’t remember it, but I remember my own kids falling ALL THE TIME. Constantly. We would immediately say “You’re okay!” in a cheerful voice. They almost always were, they got up and carried on. We talked about that, and how scary falling as an adult is and how breakable we are now and that no one cheerfully tells you are okay (!), instead they earnestly ask if you need an ambulance. It’s bullshit.

Middle f*cking age. Stronger in so many ways, yet more physically breakable. And it goes downhill from here. How unfair!

Today, I am painfully aware of my body. My foot mysteriously hurts. My ribs ache. My head throbs. My bruises are just plain violent. I am grateful for once for the extra padding I have accumulated on my backside. I keep thinking about the fall. The surprise and horror and helplessness of falling, and how lucky I am (I mean, I just binged Russian Dolls on Netflix so…).  I am thinking about how important it is to have healthy body as you age and how I have taken mine for granted.   I want to be strong in EVERY way.

I have a lot of work ahead.

 

Harmony

For many years, and even in this blog post here from a couple of years ago, I absolutely obsessed over balance. Work/life balance, mental balance, balanced diet, balance, balance, balance. I don’t know why on earth we place so much value on being balanced! Balancing anything is really f*cking hard!  It is a constant push and pull between competing and presumably equal forces.  It takes so much concentration, so much practice, tremendous energy, and it can be really damn scary.  I mean depending where it happens and at what height, losing your balance can literally break you…forever.

I recall a debate that took place in my workplace several years ago. Concerns were brought forward to the boss that many of the staff felt that they didn’t have enough work/life balance. His response was literally “So what? It is not my responsibility to bring balance to anyone. That is a personal matter”. It might have been harsh, but he was right. I heard him. If I was working late, that was my choice. If I was was eating crap, my choice. If I didn’t have time for a yoga class, that was not his fault. I had a contract that stated I would spend 37.5 hours a week doing my job, and he would pay me for that. It didn’t bind me to working late night after night or to losing sleep worrying about clients or projects. It didn’t state anywhere that I agreed to remain in a state of constant distraction/panic related to my deliverable’s, my staff, or company politics.  Nothing he could have done would have changed that. No amount of ping pong tables or espresso machines or work-at-home days would fix it.  I mean, there are lots of great perks that employers can provide that make life a little easier, more enjoyable and productive, but balance is not something you can just install in the break room. Balance was on me and me alone, and by god, it was stressful! It was one more thing I needed to achieve in addition to excelling in my career, being a good mom, a good wife, sister, friend, daughter…on and on.

And you know what? Our whole family completely changed our lives, for the better, for more balance. Everything changed. Jobs, houses, towns, schools, schedules, you name it. Without a doubt, the whole balancing act became easier but it didn’t go away.

It is only recently that I have come to want something that seems entirely different than balance for myself. I don’t know where I heard the concept, or I would give all the credit to the source… maybe in a podcast, maybe overheard at a cafe or even experienced in a dream, but it shifted my perspective. It was the radical idea of abandoning balance in favour of HARMONY. A harmonious life, a life that sings.
Harmony

Doesn’t that just SOUND and FEEL better? A state of being where all of the parts of life flow together seamlessly, although in varying degrees. Where volumes, notes, instruments, etc.  can be adjusted and re-tuned…

What an absolute relief to look at life this way!

Someone I’m friends with on Facebook posts videos of her daughter doing gymnastics. Watching her on the balance beam stresses me the f*ck out. She never falls (or videos of her falling never get posted) but every second I feel she might. I always regret watching, even though the kid is amazing and will prob end up in the Olympics. Like, I DID NOT NEED THAT ANXIETY! Contrast that with the videos like this one that my beautiful niece Sophia posts, singing songs she wrote at her piano. The ones that make my hair stand up and tears stream and heart swell… you know what I mean? Can you relate? I’ll always take the song!

Honestly, at the end of the day, it might be a meaningless shift in perspective for most people, semantics really, but words have power and for me it changed my whole approach to living. To how, where, when and with whom I spend my time, how I direct my thinking, and how I make all of my choices large and small.  I feel more empowered to make choices that are in service to harmony. Don’t get me wrong,  I feel totally out of tune on the regular, I still have anxiety and wish for more hours in the day, but I never feel unbalanced  – and that is a HUGE win in my books.