Last night while I was leaving my book club meeting I fell.

It was a great meeting. It was Valentine’s Day and there was chocolate. Chuck and I went out for dinner together the night before, and this year for the first time there is this quiet security and connection between us that simply shrugs it’s shoulders at Valentine’s Day. We have nothing to prove. It is as comforting a feeling as I have ever felt.

At the meeting we ate delicious food. The afore mentioned chocolate, heavenly blueberry scones fresh out of the oven, cheese and crispy crinkle chips. I had my regular one glass of red right on arrival – so that a few hours later when it was time to drive home I wouldn’t even feel the slightest warm tingle anymore. We hotly debated Patrick deWitt’s, Sisters Brothers. I personally loved it and was very surprised to learn that others did not. Especially two woman in particular who generally feel exactly the same way I do about books. It was paradoxically disorienting and grounding.  I confidently dug in on my assessment and in the back of my mind observed that this was growth.  I knew my mind, I spoke it loud and clear and I didn’t doubt myself for a second.

The last couple of years I have been very focused on getting to know myself, and even more specifically, on learning to love myself. Growing up you often hear tell of this magical time in your life when you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Ladies and gentleman… it is not a myth. It is middle f*cking age, and I have arrived in this wonderful place. I think I am maybe still standing in the foyer with my coat and boots on, but I am here and the party and I know it is going to be a good one.  I feel strong.

Or at least I did until I fell. Just like that.

There were three stairs ahead of my and on the first step my foot slid on some ice and down I went. Hard. I hit my ass, my elbow, and worst of all my head cracked down hard on the top step. I stayed still, splayed out on the cold cement stairs. It was so shocking! So much for feeling grounded. What was that worth now?

I scanned my body. Didn’t black out, didn’t feel broken bones. Sat up slowly. My hosts asked if I needed an ambulance. I thought about it. No. I didn’t. I went back in the house and had a glass of water and checked my elbow. I was suddenly concerned about bleeding on my cashmere sweater (an extravagant purchase!) – no blood. Sweater in tact. Bruise emerging. Felt my head. No blood. Carefully considered my feelings. Was I dizzy? No. Disoriented? Yes. But I think only because I fell. I waited a few more minutes in case I was going to black out or have a seizure or get blurred vision. Nothing bad happened. I was escorted to my car, I backed out and started on my way home.

I immediately called Chuck.  No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought about becoming hysterical and instead called my eldest son and asked him to find his Dad and have him call. Seconds later he did.  I instantly felt like crying, but didn’t. I told him I fell. I made him do several google searches about head injuries. I didn’t tell him I was deeply paranoid about hitting my head because that is how Liam Neeson’s wife Natasha Richardson died (when she was my age!!!).  He quizzed me through a couple of symptom checkers and I felt better about my head. But my elbow throbbed on. I thought about stopping at the ER for an x-ray, but decided against it. I got home and stripped down and examined my body in the mirror. Bruises. Angry bruises on my butt and elbow. I crawled into bed. Everything hurt.

Chuck rolled towards me. I asked him if he remembered being a kid and falling. I don’t remember it, but I remember my own kids falling ALL THE TIME. Constantly. We would immediately say “You’re okay!” in a cheerful voice. They almost always were, they got up and carried on. We talked about that, and how scary falling as an adult is and how breakable we are now and that no one cheerfully tells you are okay (!), instead they earnestly ask if you need an ambulance. It’s bullshit.

Middle f*cking age. Stronger in so many ways, yet more physically breakable. And it goes downhill from here. How unfair!

Today, I am painfully aware of my body. My foot mysteriously hurts. My ribs ache. My head throbs. My bruises are just plain violent. I am grateful for once for the extra padding I have accumulated on my backside. I keep thinking about the fall. The surprise and horror and helplessness of falling, and how lucky I am (I mean, I just binged Russian Dolls on Netflix so…).  I am thinking about how important it is to have healthy body as you age and how I have taken mine for granted.   I want to be strong in EVERY way.

I have a lot of work ahead.